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Jon must have passed out drunk, now, somewhere behind me. One day i woke up from a nap on the couch & felt a little horn-ay & since i thought i was alone i decided to go at it, using my patented middle-finger technique. Masturbation is a normal activity. A mom, her bisexual son, and his best friend get started. The family drove to the nearest phone seven miles away to contact police in the town of kane.

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But instead of breaking up, he made me a deal: he would learn about my religion, if i would learn about running. After a morning of trying to be a good latter-day saint by skipping breakfast, putting on a dress, and spending three hours reading scripture and singing songs about how my body is a temple (and the only person i should ever let inside it was my wedded husband), all i could think about was peeling off my sweaty pantyhose and stuffing my face with cinnamon toast crunch.